When Nobody is There

I have been writing this blog for awhile now having created it to remain in anonymity. Why I write it on the internet instead of on Word I can't answer. I started the blog to make a place to write and to share my thoughts and ideas. But what I found is that I wasn't authentic when I knew someone was reading those thoughts and ideas. So I created this blog didn't tell anyone about it, because I didn't want it read, yet connecting it to my other blog so people might be able to find it. So there it is, my desire to be real and my desire to be acknowledged battling it out to see which is the more authentic version of myself. What do I really hope for? Acknowledgement that my words are effecting others, or for the desire to pour my heart out authentically, truly, and honestly before God?

I look for comments and hope someone has read my words and have been encouraged, and hope for none at the same time so that I can continue to write and be real about what I think and how I feel. So is anybody there? I hope that you are, but I hope that it remains a mystery and that I can never know you are there.

Inspiration

Inspiration is a funny and elusive thing. There are times when it swings in like the wind and it blows all around filling those around with strength, passion and a will to move forward. But if missed, it will blow out the flame that it once fanned leaving a smoldering wick that does nothing but send up a trail of smoke until the ember is completely dead.

For me, writing works like that. There are times that I think about all the things I want to say and I am filled with the exact words... formulating sentences in my mind, sentences that are filled with the magic they create within my own head. If I do not grab a hold of that inspiration at the moment I have caught it, it slips away leaving me with nothing left to say.

I imagine Elijah, sitting in the cave on the heals of his greatest spiritual victory and yet he is feeling sorry for himself and hiding from his own fears. He is looking for something that God doesn't want to give him. He is looking for something spectacular, but it is something small and insignificant that is used to catch his attention. Jonah ran from God and God caught a hold of him sending him reluctantly in the right direction, moving him forward to lead the greatest revival the world may have ever seen. But that wasn't enough to make Jonah happy. He went away and pouted, missing the greatness that God had done.

I have so many missed opportunities in my life. I so easily allow the distractions of my day to sweep me away and cause me to lose my inspiration. The truth is, I catch it in strange places, and I often find myself unprepared to do anything with it. I pray to remember the words that God has given me and yet they fade quietly into the recess of my mind. It leaves me hoping someday the color of ink will hit the page and those images will spring back to life, but alas, I think they are gone forever.

So how was it for the writers of scripture? When they sat down to record a story or write a letter, did they understand the significance of what they were doing? Did they ever miss their opportunity distracted by the cares of the world? Did they hear the voice of God actually speaking as they wrote or was it just thoughts going down on paper without any understanding that their words were going to be immortalized for eternity? When David wrote of his difficult time of despair and discouragement so great that his heart felt that it would burst- did he understand that those words were pointing a way to the Messiah? That he was actually feeling the feelings that His savior would feel in times to come? When Paul wrote his letters to Timothy or to the churches around the known world, was he aware of the fact that one day those letters would be bound together to effect the world forevermore? What must it have been like to hear the voice of God and write down the words He was telling them?

I think I can only have a glimpse of what it was they were feeling or thinking. I know that my words aren't scripture and they won't ever have the impact that the Peter's words have. I do know when however, the words aren't mine; when the images that flow from my brain to may paper can't possibly have anything to do with me. I become a catalyst, thankful that this time, the inspiration didn't pass me by.

Thank You Lord for 2010

Dear Jesus,

2010... who would have believed? I remember when I was younger and I thought about the 21st century. I actually thought I would be too old to enjoy it. What was I thinking? When Y2K came around, I wasn't even 40! The truth is, the first decade of 2000 has been when some of the biggest blessings of my life have come.

So as the first decade of this new century is coming to a close, I want to continue my practice of writing this thank you letter to my Savior and my best friend. (Thanks Julie K for teaching me this practice).

The year didn't start out with a great blessing... we were burglarized at the beginning of 2010. Though they didn't get much as far as the number of things, they did steal my feeling of safety and security. This year has seen many upgrades in the Hernandez household like a burglar alarm, new windows, a fence and replacing the items that were stolen. It has been an expensive year.

One of the greatest achievements and blessings has been our 6th wedding anniversary this year. Can you believe it? SIX years!! We haven't been completely sure that we would ever make it this far, but wow... what a great blessing my husband has been in my life. There are moments when I wonder, "What was I thinking? but the reality is that my marriage has been the single greatest blessing of my life. My husband, has grown to be such a good friend and faithful companion. He has loved me and walked with me through the trials of life that have plagued us and through the blessings of life that have carried us through.

Once again, I am thankful that 2010 ended with a job for me. I know so many people that in 2010 they faced the challenge of unemployment. Why God has been so merciful upon us, I don't understand, but I rejoice in it! Not only am I thankful that I have a job, I am thankful for my job. Teaching Kindergarten at Price School has been so rewarding. I am constantly learning new things through the eyes of the precious 5 year olds that are in my class. They have taught me to laugh at myself, to be patient, and to always look at the best side of a person. It is amazing how every year I come to love my students and I see the great potential they hold and I am in awe that God has given me the privilege to be a part of their life. I remember my kindergarten teacher very well, and I would like to think that my students will remember me with the same fondness I feel for Mrs. Bates.

I am thankful for my health. I had an old friend suffer a major illness this last year... final diagnosis- I haven't heard, but it put him in the hospital for several weeks and it gives me cause to say thank You Jesus that I am well. Also, the end of this year a dear friend and sister in the Lord began her battle with lymphoma. It came out of no where and it makes me thankful for the fact that God's hand has been upon my body and the body of my husband. I am also thankful that 2010 has continued to be a year of healthy living. Working out and eating right have continued to be a part of my daily life, (though if I am not careful, I will not be able to say that about 2011).

I am thankful that God has made His plan for the growing of our family a reality. We have started the adoption process and I am very excited about that. God gave me a promise a long time ago that I never let myself acknowledge until now. He promised me children "in my old age." The truth is, I let myself believe that my students were the subject of that promise, but I am now seeing the reality of the promise come to fruition. Hopefully 2011 will have a new Hernandez to rejoice over.

My life has changed a lot in the last decade and I sometimes miss the life that I had a single woman. Paul really knew what he was talking about when he stated that those that are married have to worry about pleasing their spouse and it takes away from the amount of time and energy that I can give to serving the Lord. But with marriage there is incredible blessings. I often am asked, "When are you coming back to ministry?" or "What happened to the 'old' Karen?" Well, I am still in the ministry, but my ministry is within my own family, my own household and it is very fulfilling. Sometimes I miss ministry outside my home, serving the church body, but I am fully committed to working the ministry inside my home first. Some people can do both, and I hope to be one of those people someday, but thankfully, God has given me contentment to serve just where I am.

I am thankful for the little pockets of time that I can carve out with my friends. Susan and I had a weekend away for the first time since I was married. That was a huge blessing. Not only a blessing to just sit and relax for awhile, but to share it together was so fantastic. It is just so great to spend time with a friend that knows you so completely you don't have to explain yourself. And every time we talk, it is like picking up a conversation from the day before even if it is has been longer since we actually talked. I love my friend and I am thankful to have her in my life even if the challenges and business of life make it difficult to see each other as much as we used to.

I am thankful for my family. They have been such a great support system for us and every time I spend time with them I rejoice that they are in my life. My dad celebrated his 74th bday (and is still working full time at his second career) this last year and I am extremely thankful for his health and for him! My mom has suffered some difficulties this year, but has walked through them with an increasing trust and certainty that God is still on the throne. I am thankful for her example of being a woman of prayer. Every time I am down or discouraged, she prays with me and I love that about her. Then of course, there is my brother. What can I say except I wish I could be him when I grow up! He is my hero in so many ways and I love him more than words can express.

Thank you Jesus for the many things that You have been teaching me this year. Thank you for the way that You have walked beside me, held my hand, and brought me through the hard stuff. Thank you for your provision and for the fact that You never give up on me when I am less than faithful to You!! I love You Jesus and above all, I am thankful for the way that You continue to work in my heart and my life and You continue to love me. I look forward to the day when I will be with You in Paradise, but until then, I am thankful for the days that You have given me here on earth.

I love You,

Karen

When the Message is Hard

1 Samuel 3:15-18 Samuel lay down until morning. Then he opened the doors of the LORD's house. He was afraid to tell Eli about the vision he had received. But Eli called out to him. He said, "Samuel, my son." Samuel answered, "Here I am." "What did the LORD say to you?" Eli asked. "Don't hide from me anything He told you. If you do, may God punish you greatly." So Samuel told him everything. He didn't hide anything from him. Then Eli said, "He is the Lord. Let him do what He thinks is best."

Dear Friend,

I love this passage. I love the way God spoke to Samuel though he was but a youth. I love that Eli accepted the message from young Samuel with such humility. God hadn't spoken to Eli (the priest) in quite a while and as the reader, I can understand why- there was sin in Eli's house that he was not willing to properly deal with, yet he heard and understood what God was saying. He was willing to accept that God is God. How difficult it is to hear something from the Lord that is hard. I often times wish I had never heard it, and sometimes I will wrestle with it before being obedient. (Am I alone?)

But there is a flip side to the passage that I really hate...sometimes the message that God is telling us isn't for us, it is to give to someone else and that is even harder. I don't know about you, but I don't want to come off as ____ (sanctimonious, judgemental, crazy... you fill in the blank). It is never easy to say the hard things to someone you love. What if God is calling you to tell someone that Jesus IS the only way? That their religion won't save them. That the lifestyle they have chosen is wrong. That they will spend an eternity in hell unless they repent and believe on the Lord. Or what if God is calling you to chastise a brother/sister? Are you willing to be like Samuel and say the hard things- without enjoying it.

There are two issues here that Samuel did right. First, he obeyed. It was the first time God spoke to him and he got it right the first time. He spoke the truth. He said what needed to be said. But he did it because he loved Eli. He did it with a loving heart and a desire to do the right thing. He didn't enjoy it.

I don't like to share the truth when it is painful. I have had victory in this area, and I have fallen very short. I wonder what would have happened in the ministry of Samuel if he had not chosen to do the right thing? Would God have blessed him as he did? Of course we will never know in the life of Samuel because he made the right choice. Like any other sin, when I refuse to obey, my heart is hardened to God's voice and at some point He may choose another messenger and I might lose out on a blessing. Isaiah gives us a really great promise: , "In repentance and rest you will be saved, in quietness and trust is your salvation" Oh how I love that! But wait, he wasn't done- the verse ends with, "But you were not willing." ouch! (Isaiah 30:15). O what a blessing I can find when I am willing, and what blessings am I losing out on because I'm not?

Reflections on 1 Samuel 1

1 Samuel 1:15b-16

"...I was telling the LORD all of my troubles. Don't think of me as an evil woman. I've been praying here because I'm very sad. My pain is so great."

I love that Hannah took her troubles to the Lord. She wanted children, she didn't have any for the Lord had closed her womb. The one desire of her heart, God was not fulfilling. Why does God not fulfill our Godly desires?

I was 40 when I was married. I wanted to be married before then, but God prevented it. I want to be a mother, but we have been married 7 years, and now I'm 47 and God has prevented me from becoming a mother. I would like to know why. I would like God to grant me the desires of my heart. So why not? Having children is a godly desire, but it isn't what God has for me.

We are now pursuing adoption. It isn't an easy process and I sometimes feel discouraged and overwhelmed by the whole process... Dear Jesus, what are you trying to teach me? What do you have for me? Will you speak to my situation, guide us in your will and make us to see what we have to do.